Monday, August 03, 2009

Lost and Found

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been somewhat on a self imposed sabbatical but today something came to the forefront that I decided it was time to write about. Well, a couple of things triggered it but I'm not sure if we'll cover it all in one day.

Back in high school I had 3 best friends. Josh, Tiffany, and Erica. I'm going to talk about Josh today because you see....Josh and I didn't meet on the best of terms. I'm not sure how we became friends, really. We didn't run in the same crowds. We didn't have the same likes. We didn't see eye to eye on many issues. But we did click.

One day, I believe I was a Junior.....this punk Sophomore walked into the classroom. He informed me that I was in his seat. I remember just looking at him and smirking. I may have made some witty comment but I don't remember. What I do remember was him mumbling under his breath as he walked away "bitch". I found that to be hilarious. I was not the mean type, and I did not pick on him. We went on about our daily lives.

Fast forward a few weeks (maybe months):
I had signed up for drama and was in the play The Outsiders. We had cast just about everyone, but our drama teacher was having a hard time coming up with a lead that could play the character of a "square" and pull it off. Just about that time, I glanced into the hallway and saw Josh walk by. My eyes lit up and I thought (out loud) "oh he's the perfect asshole!!!!!" I'm ashamed to say today that I did go out into the hallway and drag Josh into the classroom (in front of everyone), by his ear....and exclaim to the teacher, "See, doesn't he just look like an asshole?" I do think I remember him calling me a bitch that day too.

And that my friends was the beginning of a long friendship.

Josh was not like my other friends. He didn't like the parties that we went to. He didn't like most of my friends period. He was in the band. He liked video games. He was a self proclaimed computer nerd. We never did figure out why we were such good friends. We just were. We were inseparable. My friends Erica and Tiffany accepted him and they became friends with him too. I would drag him to all of our parties and try and make him like my friends, thinking that maybe he would enjoy high school a little more if he just went to more parties.

Josh hated Hitchcock. He hated most of my guy friends because they tormented him growing up. But he went to the parties because I wanted him to go. I found out years later that he only went for me. People used to whisper about Josh and me. They would pull me aside and ask me what was really going on between us. I would just smile and say nothing. Because that was the truth. I loved Josh like a brother. I saw something in Josh and I think I wanted to fix it.

I saw how unhappy he was and I wanted to make it better. I saw what a good person he was and I wanted everyone else to see it. I saw the good in everyone else, and and I wanted HIM to see the good in everyone else. I just wanted to fix what was wrong between him and Hitchcock.

Yeah, that didn't happen. But, we had fun!

Our senior year was the best. He was drum major and I was in cheer leading.

Then my high school boyfriend happened. He hated Josh. Then Josh's High School girlfriend happened and she hated me. And then he moved away to Austin to go to College.

We lost touch for a while and I felt like a piece of me was missing.

But when we finally did re-connect, we met up at the beach one day and stayed up all night out on the jetty's talking. We managed to get a couple of years squeezed into one full night of just sitting there listening to the waves hit the water and catching up.

We did manage to keep in touch from time to time and every time we spoke it was like we never lost touch. Josh toasted at my first wedding. Of course, who else would do it?

Tiffany and I made a weekend trip up there to see him before I moved away to NC and had the most fun weekend. Thanks Josh.

Josh then met the love of his life and got married. Her name was Amy. We mostly lost touch after that and I didn't make it to the wedding. We talked two or three times after he got married but then I heard through the grape vine that his wife passed away. And I felt like the most horrible friend that ever walked this Earth. I never met her. I wasn't there for him through the sickness. I wasn't there to talk him through it (if he needed it).

I made brief contact with him after wards to tell him how sorry I was but really what could I say? Well we spoke via email today and got more in depth. I can only offer to be there for him now if he will let me in whatever capacity he needs email....a phone call.....he's traveling the US trying to find peace, and right now, I pray to God that he finds it.

My heart aches for my childhood friend. I pray that he can begin to heal.