A Long Time Coming

Disclaimer: Serious post Alert: This post is not about my past per se but about a song that had a profound impact on me.

When I was a teenager, I used to write. A lot. I had a lot of things on my mind, and writing was an outlet for me. The older I got, the less I wrote…and then I discovered blogging. I first created my blog to use as an avenue for family to keep up with us, or more importantly, to keep up with Ethan.

Then one day I realized that I had more to say than just regular updates about the family. I got more into photography too and decided that my blog would be more about random musings from me. I would write whatever was on my mind that day. Mostly it is a story revolving around pictures I took, but every once in a while I like to veer off the beaten path and write about something random. That’s how I roll. Just when you are lulled into a false sense blasé blah updates, I mix it up.

Today I’d like to talk about a song; or more specifically, a particular song that had a very big impact on me. Music has always spoken to me but one song hit me in the stomach when it came out and spoke to me in ways that no song had ever spoken to me before. 

It was 1989 and I was an angst ridden teenager. The song was by a “Hair Band” that had pretty shallow music for the most part. I remember when it first came out; it immediately took me back to my much younger years and brought feelings to the surface that I spent many years trying to squelch. When a song like that comes out and speaks to you like that, it evokes feelings that you have no control over. I often wonder if other people have had a song make that much of an impact on them.

House of Pain-  Faster Pussycat: Release date September 6, 1989

Let’s skip to years and years later (i.e,. about a month ago). I was browsing iTunes for music to add my iPod and decided it would be great to have a playlist of all the music I loved to listen to in my teen years, music by Poison, Warrant, Skid Row, Europe, etc. Then I ran into this song, so I downloaded it without even listening to it.

Driving home about a week ago, I was listening to the songs and House of Pain came on. I hadn’t heard it in forever; seriously it had been since I was in my teens. As I was listening to the song, it immediately took me back again. I once again identified with the young child that was working through feelings that I couldn't explain and had no control over. It said things that I used to think. I called my mom and we talked about how one song could still make me sick to my stomach...thinking of myself in much younger terms and trying to deal with something that I had no way of understanding. Honestly, it brought back feelings that I had since forgotten (or at least moved on from) and made me bitter all over again.

OK so the song is written from the perspective of a little boy, but really it applies to any young child that lost contact with a parent.

[Song]

It's a little past supper time

I'm still out on the porch step

Sittin on my behind, waiting for you

Wondering if everything was all right

Mama said come in boy

don't waste your time

I said I got time, he'll be here soon

[Me]

I used to do that. I used to sit around wondering if everything was OK and thinking that my dad would call or I would see him soon. I didn't understand the dynamics of what was going on. One day he was there and the next day he wasn't. A 7 year old child doesn't have the capacity to understand something like that. They think it is their fault or they blame the other parent.

[Song]

Five years old and talkin' to myself

Where were you? Where'd ya go?

Daddy can't you tell?

I'm not tryin’ to fake it

And I ain't the one to blame

No there's no one home

In my house of pain

[Me]

This part of the song was so significant for me because I didn't know where he went. I didn't know why I couldn't be told. And I did blame myself. Imagine living this and then a song comes out years later that was your life. Imagine the impact that the song would have on you. It really is profound. Even today.

[Song]

I didn't write these pages

And my script's been rearranged

No there's no one home

In my house of pain

Wasn't I worth the time

A boy needs a daddy like dance to mime

And all the time I looked up to you

I paced my room a million times

And all I ever got was one big line

The same old lie

How could you?

[Me]

I did feel like my whole life was being re-written. Of course, when you are 7, you think of it in much simpler terms. I tried and rationalize what I did know - that was he was gone and I must not have been important enough to come and see.

[Song]

I was eighteen and still

talking to myself

Where were you? Where'd you go?

Daddy can't ya tell?

I'm not tryin to fake it

And I ain't the one to blame

[Me]

This was me too. I was literally 18 years old and still didn't know the answers. By then, Pop was in my life and I saw how he was with his son who did not live with him. I saw him struggle through fighting the battle of remaining in his life..I saw him refuse to give in... and then I knew. It was a choice. At that moment, I let go. I quit being angry and accepted it for what it was. Life. It is what it is.

I still cannot listen to it without going back. But I do from time to time because it was part of me. It still is. Because, even though I did move on and I did "forgive"...I can never ever forget.